This past week was a whirlwind of emotions. Gracie and I head back to Baltimore Sunday. It's just a follow up appointment, but she's had some things come up since our last visit that have me a bit concerned it could turn into more. I've been worrying about those things, been worrying about leaving my husband and son, (even though it's a quick trip, its hard to go without them), and been worrying about finances. I don't know why I worry so much, I do believe God has a plan and will provide....but in the middle of it all, it's a constant give it to God-take it back struggle for me.
Gracie has been turning her foot in ever since we had her cast on. The brace she currently wears points her foot out, but she manages to twist it back in when she gets moving and isn't focusing on walking straight. It's severe enough that most days she trips over her foot. Sometimes landing on her arms/face, but usually right on her knees. It's so hard to watch. She's also been saying her knee and leg hurt lately. Enough that the other day she actually asked for medicine. (Anyone who knows Gracie knows that we have to hold her down to give her medicine. So her taking it willingly is a big sign for us). It's not stopping her, but she is feeling it. I am interested to see x-Rays on Monday and see what's going on with her leg exactly, because I think some of it might just be the cold weather we are getting. I also have a feeling that we are going to need another 8-plate sooner then later. When I start thinking all these things I wonder if I'm that mom who now needs her daughter to have some kind of issue, or procedure to function. I don't feel like that, but I also feel sometimes like I'm looking for something wrong. I think it's more anxiety then anything. We haven't really had much of a surgery break since we started in March of 2013. Allowing myself to really believe we have one now, is hard. Plus I know the unexpected hits me way harder then the planned, so I feel like emotionally I need to plan. To be prepared for the what ifs, etc.
I've also been struggling with worry about our finances. Gracie's surgery in June depleted the very last of her medical account. We had to charge the return trip in July to be able to go get her cast off. Then we had a complication with Miracle Flights and all the sudden we didn't know if we would even make it back for this appointment. It's crazy to sit and try to figure out how you are going to get your baby to a doctor she needs to see. To the doctor who will give her the best chance to walk and run with as much normal function as possible. Thinking you might not be able to do that anymore is heartbreaking. So-I kinda went into full blown fundraising mode. Fundraising has been challenging since we moved because we don't know many people out here, but this was the kick in the butt I needed to push beyond my shyness and engage people in Gracie's situation.
I know I shouldn't worry. I know God will take care of us. I know he never forgets us. Sometimes though, it's easier to KNOW then it is to walk out. Sometimes it's easier to worry then it is to trust. Sometimes it's easier to think He forgot about us, then it is to remember He has our names written in the palms of His hands. I'm ashamed that it takes me so long to focus on Him. I embarrassed that as a daughter of Christ-who loves and walks with the one true merciful God-that I spend all this time anywhere but laying these things down at His feet. I am so very grateful though-that as His child I AM FORGIVEN! That He is patient with me and waits with arms open for me to bring my worries to Him. That He lets me bring them again each time I take them back, and that He still hears our cries and our prayers in the middle of it all.
Miracle Flights approved our flight. I found a very good rate on a rental car. My in-laws are coming for Thanksgiving so Landry is not heartbroken at getting left here again, but excited to see his LaLa and Papa. The school Landry goes to was generous enough to email a copy of our fundraiser flyer to the parents for us. My amazing boss has passed along information on Gracie that lead to a donation, one of my best friends donated, my uncle donated, new See Gracie Run friends donated, and my mom's Origami Owl fundraiser brought in money. Together, these things are literally giving us what we need for the Miracle Flight fee, the HP House, the rental car, the co-pay, and food. Nothing more, but exactly what we need. God's beautiful provision.
Maybe the way things worked out this trip was just to remind me that God has not forgotten us, or this journey. That our names are written in the palms of His hands. I pray that, if you needed that reminder too, you found it here! His love is so wonderful.
Please see our fundraiser tab for all the current and ongoing fundraising we are doing to get prepared for Gracie's first lengthening. Please also be praying for our fundraising progress, and for good news and safe travels on our trip.
I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas. I pray you get to enjoy this season without worry! Please let us know how we can be praying for you specifically!
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