Friday, May 3, 2013

"We rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:2-5


I am not quite sure where to even begin this blog tonight.  There has been so much going on that I have barely had a chance to breathe.  I am writing from Baltimore.  It's 11pm, and Gracie is sleeping. I know if I don't write now, I probably won't for a while.

We have been having constant issues with Gracie's wire/pin site infections.  She has pretty much had an infection for 7 weeks.  A week ago Monday, we went in for her x-rays and ended up talking to her docs online in regards to the infection continuing.  Tuesday she got her 4th round of antibiotics perscribed, and Wednesday had a reaction to it.  We ended up at Phoenix Children's Hospital last Wednesday thru Friday for IV antibiotics.  In the meantime her surgeon and his PA advised us that one of her pins was loose, and may need to be removed.  We had the ortho doc at Phx Children's look at it, and he concured.  Dr. Standard (her surgeon) said it would be a relatively simple procedure, and we would be able to have it done in Arizona.  After being completely disrespected by one of the rudest doctors I have ever met in AZ, we decided to go back to Baltimore for this unplanned surgery.  The nurses there were amazing....but they couldn't do the surgery.  At RIAO, everyone is amazing.  I mean you really have to look hard to find someone who upsets you or is rude, or doesn't do a good job.  It is so hard to hand your baby over for someone to cut them open...we weren't willing to do it with a doctor we didn't like or trust.  So...back we went.  Gracie had her surgery on Tuesday, and we go home tomorrow.  Dr. Standard deep cleaned her pin and wire sites, removed the loose pin, and placed another one.  Due to the looseness of her fixator and the pin, we did not have the amount of bone regeneration that we would liked to have seen, so she will be in the fixator at least another 4-6 weeks.  At this point, I don't care as long as it does regenerate and we can get passed the infections.  As of today, her sites look great...amazing in fact and she is a happy baby!!!!

The decision to come back to Baltimore was easy in one aspect, but difficult in others.  Because we needed to get back right away, we could not apply for the grant that provided for our transportation out here the first time.  So while we were trying to figure out how to afford this unexpected trip, 2 round trip tickets for Gracie and I were donated to us.  It was the biggest blessing, I can't even tell you.  Last minute ticket prices are astronomical, and we were blessed with just what we needed and more.  These tickets were upgrade to FIRST CLASS!!!  You heard me, FIRST CLASS!!!  I can't even put into words how nice that was.  Especially the leg room because Gracie likes to kick the seat in front of her. Plus, she slept all but an hour of the way here, so people didn't hate me for bringing a baby into first class and I got to relax and enjoy the luxary!  I needed it too because planned surgeries are hard enough, but ones pulled out of thin air that you haven't prepared yourself or your family for are worse.

Gracie and I arrived in Baltimore very late Saturday night.  Sunday morning I got a call from my mom that my dad had been shot in a hunting accident.  Once again I was out of state when my family is going thru a major crisis.  I was going thru one of my own, but I couldn't be there for my mom, or my dad, and that has been hard to handle.  By the grace of God, my dad is still alive.  He was shot at 35 yards, a direct head shot, with a 12 gauge shot gun.  He has pellets from his waist up, one just missing his trachea, his jugular vein, and his bronchial artery.  There are pellets lodged in his nose, his brain, nerves in his shoulder, his ear, and his eye.  At this point, the biggest concern is the loss of sight in his eye.  Today my parents saw a retina specialist and he was not very optomoistic that they would be able to save the sight in his eye.  All of this, my grandmother passing away in February, Gracie's surgery in March and again in April and what my dad is going thru is just unreal to us.  I have described it to people like this:  I feel like I am in the center of a tornado.  Mostly I feel peace, (not always, but mostly), but chaos is going on all the way around me.  Huge, horrible, violent chaos....and I have no idea where any part of my life is going to land, and what shape it will look like when it does.  I am overwhelmed, stressed, heartbroken and scared.

I don't share these things to whine or cry about where things are, but to encourage.  Five short months into this new year, and my family's and my world has been turned upside down.  I know we are not the only people broken by life's circumstances right now.  I have friends who are broken.  I do believe, even in the hardest of times though, that there are blessings.  I also believe, that you have to look for them.  I believe what this scripture says, with all my heart.  I believe that we need to rejoice in our sufferings.  We don't have to be happy to go thru suffering, but we have to find the good in it.  I am glad that suffering produces character because I want this to all mean something.  I want the hurt to produce something more then heartache in me.  I want hope to spring out of my heart anew every single day.  I want and need to search for the blessings.  I believe that in order to survive these hurts, we have to search for the blessings, and the energy it takes to find them can be the energy it takes to get thru them.  I want to remember that when everything around me is going crazy and out of control, God can bring me peace, and hope and joy.  That I can smile and laugh in the middle of trials, and that I will be stronger in God, and stronger in character for them.  None of this makes me want to endure them, but it does make them endurable.  

From the heart of someone who is hurting, who is overwhelmed, tired and weary...I plead to those suffering with the same feelings...find your blessings.  Free first class tickets to a surgery I didn't want my baby girl to have to do is a blessing...being able to stay home with my babies because I lost my job, is a blessing...my dad being alive and having his physical and mental faculties, if not his sight, is a blessing....friends who pick up the pieces while I'm gone and help my husband take care of my son so he can get to work on time....is a blessing...a husband who loves on our son while he is in a state of confusion and depressed by all the craziness is a blessing...A friend who sits with me so I won't have to be alone during Gracie's surgery is a blessing...calls, texts and prayers from my church family is a blessing...LOOK for them.  You will need life's little blessings to get you thru life's toughest trials.  

Tonight I am praying for so many things, but also that this speaks to people.  I want people to know the kind of hope that can only come from God springing up in their hearts.  I want the blessing of character to be seen from the trials you are going thru, and pray that you feel, really feel God's love poured into YOUR heart.

Please keep my family in your prayers.  Pray for sight to be restored to my dad, healing of his retina, healing of Gracie's bone, financial provision for all of us, and blessings to be poured out on us in heaping measure.  Thank you for joining us in prayer, and listening to me vent.  Sometimes this blog is the best therapy!